Tag Archives: hope

Just a month ago…

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There has been so much that has happened lately that I have had a hard time trying to write something down but today has been  one month since Dad passed. It’s taken me about a month for things to calm down a bit and sink in.

A little over a month ago I packed up my car, Gatsby and started driving back to Vegas. I left Nashville to be back with the fam. Dad was super ill and I knew that I needed to be back to spend as much time as possible with him as his days appeared to be numbered. Little did we know, his days were to soon come to an end. We got into town very early in the morning on the 23rd, later on that day he went to the hospital and then a little over a week later on the 6th he breathed his last breath.

I made it just in time.

And now it has began to truly hit me. It has been an absolute whirlwind and now that the dust seems to be settling, reality is setting in. My dad is gone. Yes, he is absolutely in a better place without any pain and suffering but I miss him so much. I am my dad’s twin. I look mostly like him and personality wise, I am very much Dan.

He was an incredible man When he was a kid, his parents abandoned him and he had to grow up on the streets. He was a wild child. He was a fighter like none other. He did not know how to give up and did whatever he had to do to get ahead. He had nothing and worked his ass off to come so far. His journey was a difficult one.

And in the midst of it all, he loved us with everything he was. He wanted the absolute best for my mom, my brother and I. He was a man full of dreams and ideas. He busted his ass to get ahead. He could talk your ear off with his stories and make you laugh when you felt like absolute shit. He had no shame. Once he had an idea in his head, there was no stopping him.

His love for his family and those he loved was incredible. He was compassionate and caring. He knew what it was to be hungry, with nothing and lonely therefore he did whatever he could to make sure that those around him would not have to feel that way. Yes, he was rough around the edges, to say it nicely, but he truly had a heart a gold under it all.

He taught me to preserve and never give up. To fight and do whatever needed to be done to accomplish my goals. He taught me how to be wild and free. He showed me how to find solutions to problems and how to enjoy the little things in life. He taught me how to shoot a gun when I was five, when I was a toddler he would take me out body surfing in the waves, he would take me on crazy roller coaster rides before I probably should have, we would sit on a dock and fish for hours, we would wander around the woods just for the heck of it. He would stop on the side of the road to pick me some wild flowers. He showed me how to ride a bike and then later taught me how to drive in a big ass suburban. He encouraged me to pursue the desires of my heart, how to cook without recipes and not let fear stop me in life. He showed me how to love people regardless of their status and to have compassion for all.

He was a crazy, wild man.

He had more hopes and dreams than probably most people. He had so many plans that he did not get to accomplish. There were places that he longed to go to, things he wanted to do, people that he wanted to meet.

But I guess that’s where I pick up the ball. That just might be the place where I keep going from. I loved his wild heart. Although, I think it came across a bit harsh at times and most people didn’t really understand him, I loved that fire within him. His passion, his unending dreaming, his love. I will forever hold that dear to my heart. I will forever carry that wildness within me. That tenacity and stubbornness to accomplish what needs to get done in order to achieve what I want in life.

Yes at times he drove me crazy but I will forever miss him. It sucks not having him around anymore. Not hearing his crazy singing and not having him bugging me. I hate walking up to the house and not seeing him sitting outside with his book enjoying the night air. I even miss his crazy commentary, not really know what he was talking about but dead certain that he was right whilst watching basketball games.

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I know that life will never be the same without him here. It sucks knowing that he didn’t get to grow old with my mom, give me away on my wedding day (if that ever happens) or get to see those grandkids that he always wanted. No matter where life may take me, he will forever be in my heart. I don’t understand and there are so many questions that I have. I hate that he had to go in the way that he did but I know that in some way or fashion it will all be okay. It probably wont be today or tomorrow but some day down the road, it will be okay. Of course, I have come to realize that I will forever feel like there is a piece missing without having my dad here on earth anymore, but I know that one day I will see his crazy ass again and it’ll be a glorious time.

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For now, this is a season that I must walk through, although if I’m completely honest, it feels as if I am barely able to crawl through some days. I trust and know that in some way life will work out, as it always does. I trust and have peace that although it may not always appear so, God has it all in control. This year so far has been a rough one filled with storm after storm but one day I will feel that sunshine again and be able to wander to my next adventure.

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The year that was…

I recently went back home to Vegas. I havent been home in about 7 months. Its always interesting to see what has changed and what has stayed the same.

At dinner with one of my friends, she mentioned that I seemed happy. That I was enjoying life. That I was having fun.

Next month will be a year since I have moved to Nashville. At this point last year I was burnt out, exhausted and pretty much dead inside. I needed something new. A new adventure, a new place, new people…everything new… I could no longer exist in the bubble in which I found myself so comfortable in. I could no longer go along with the motions. I needed to break away in order to become alive again. I needed to breathe in the air of someplace new. To see new sights. To be in a place in which I could begin again. It was more of a move of survival more than anything.

2014 has been quite a year. I have been to 16 different states, drove over 6,000 miles and flew over 9,000 miles.  I have driven my car from the Pacific Ocean all the way to the Atlantic Ocean. From one coast to the other. I have gone to cities that have been on my list to go to for years. One by one, I’ve been able to check things off my life list (which Im pretty sure is a never ending list) I have started over in a new city, in a place that I have never lived in before. I have survived. It has been a difficult year as well. There have been many tears, many times when I just wanted to throw in the towel, to tap out, to pack it all up and move back home. Yet it has been a good year as well, personally. Although I did not accomplish everything that I had wanted to, I am thankful for what has happened and who I have become.

I am thankful for this crazy journey that has led me to this point. I love all the colorful characters who are a part of my story. I have come to enjoy all the crazy stories, illogical happenings and just random situations in which I have found myself in. I’m sure that if I sat down and wrote everything out I could possibly have a somewhat interesting book to read. This year has truly been quite a ride but as I look back am a grateful for what 2014 became. Of course there are several things that I would do differently but at the same time, it is what it is and here I am.

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And now, I look ahead, 2015. Looking forward has been quite foggy as of late, but I think it’s starting to clear up. I can begin to see again. To look through the telescope. To see where this compass of mine is pointing to. I think I know where I want to go next. As far as the details of how, when, where exactly…well, that’ll come in its time. But for now, I have hope for whats ahead. I have an expectation for what may lay ahead. I know that it will not be easy, but just about everything in life thats worth something will cost you something great. There is a great cost for this wandering heart of mine. It is uncomfortable most times and there are quite a few tears that are shed, but this is the life that I have chosen to live. It probably doesn’t make much sense to most, but I honestly can’t be bothered. I go where the wind blows. At the end of the day, I want to know that I chose to live. To be me, to live my life.

I do hope that you have an incredible 2015! May you accomplish great things and enjoy the journey along the way. Do things that scare you and laugh more than you ever have. Go out, wander & explore this beautiful world that we live in. Make the most of the year that lays ahead.

Much love from Nashville!!!

-Bec

 

 

I f*cking hate cancer

(My apologies for the language but I’m just being honest)

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 My father has recently been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. Although this is not his first time battling cancer, this time it’s a bit more serious. This past week he has been at one of the cancer treatment centers of America. Thankfully I had the privilege of going up to spend some time with both of my parents. They live in Las Vegas and I live in Nashville. I have not had the chance to go back to Vegas since April. So now that they were in my time zone I had to go.Upon arriving I met up with them at the treatment center. As he was finishing his day of tests, I got to see the facility and meet some of the employees. I must say though, I am impressed with the center & it’s staff. It appears to me that they actually care for their patients.

As we walked around I saw all kinds of people who are battling this horrible disease. Any and all forms of cancer being treated. It broke my heart and at the same time pissed me off to see all these poor people going through this. Time and time again we encountered precious people that have been misdiagnosed and felt l like their doctors did not care about them.
So many people I know have had relatives or friends that have been affected by cancer in some way or another.
I feel like it just shouldn’t be like this. I am no doctor or medical professional but there has to be a way to end this madness.
It takes a toll on everyone involved.

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If you are one walking through this, know that you are not alone. That there are hundreds if not thousands of people who understand what you are going through. If you happen to believe in God (or even if you dont) know that He is still in control. That even though this is absolute crap, He’s still got it. He’s been in control since the beginning of time, so why would He change now? Why would He go back on His good character? I can tell you, that He wont.
Yes all of this frustrates the living hell out of me. I don’t understand, how or why. It’s stressful and at times I do find myself breaking down, but at the end of the day, all I can do is trust Him. He’s been faithful this far. He’s brought me through some of the craziest and darkest times of my life. I’ve lived through more crap in my short life than most people I know. And yet, it all works out. In one way or another. I have come to terms with the fact that there are some things that I have been through that i will never understand. But honestly, its not my place to understand. Its my job to trust.
It is so much easier said than done. There are times that i just want to throw in the towel and tap out. Sometimes, i just want to run away and never return, but…that’s not really an option.
I’ve had a couple of people ask me how it was that I was handling all of this so well. I’ve told them it’s because I’ve been through a lot in life, which to some degree has made me strong, but the real answer is my faith.

That’s all that I have.

This is one of the hardest things to walk through, and all I have are mere words, but as someone who has a loved one going through this, all I can do is say don’t lose hope. Hold on strong. Treasure every moment and know, you are not alone.

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