Tag Archives: this sucks

Just a month ago…

IMG_4128

There has been so much that has happened lately that I have had a hard time trying to write something down but today has been  one month since Dad passed. It’s taken me about a month for things to calm down a bit and sink in.

A little over a month ago I packed up my car, Gatsby and started driving back to Vegas. I left Nashville to be back with the fam. Dad was super ill and I knew that I needed to be back to spend as much time as possible with him as his days appeared to be numbered. Little did we know, his days were to soon come to an end. We got into town very early in the morning on the 23rd, later on that day he went to the hospital and then a little over a week later on the 6th he breathed his last breath.

I made it just in time.

And now it has began to truly hit me. It has been an absolute whirlwind and now that the dust seems to be settling, reality is setting in. My dad is gone. Yes, he is absolutely in a better place without any pain and suffering but I miss him so much. I am my dad’s twin. I look mostly like him and personality wise, I am very much Dan.

He was an incredible man When he was a kid, his parents abandoned him and he had to grow up on the streets. He was a wild child. He was a fighter like none other. He did not know how to give up and did whatever he had to do to get ahead. He had nothing and worked his ass off to come so far. His journey was a difficult one.

And in the midst of it all, he loved us with everything he was. He wanted the absolute best for my mom, my brother and I. He was a man full of dreams and ideas. He busted his ass to get ahead. He could talk your ear off with his stories and make you laugh when you felt like absolute shit. He had no shame. Once he had an idea in his head, there was no stopping him.

His love for his family and those he loved was incredible. He was compassionate and caring. He knew what it was to be hungry, with nothing and lonely therefore he did whatever he could to make sure that those around him would not have to feel that way. Yes, he was rough around the edges, to say it nicely, but he truly had a heart a gold under it all.

He taught me to preserve and never give up. To fight and do whatever needed to be done to accomplish my goals. He taught me how to be wild and free. He showed me how to find solutions to problems and how to enjoy the little things in life. He taught me how to shoot a gun when I was five, when I was a toddler he would take me out body surfing in the waves, he would take me on crazy roller coaster rides before I probably should have, we would sit on a dock and fish for hours, we would wander around the woods just for the heck of it. He would stop on the side of the road to pick me some wild flowers. He showed me how to ride a bike and then later taught me how to drive in a big ass suburban. He encouraged me to pursue the desires of my heart, how to cook without recipes and not let fear stop me in life. He showed me how to love people regardless of their status and to have compassion for all.

He was a crazy, wild man.

He had more hopes and dreams than probably most people. He had so many plans that he did not get to accomplish. There were places that he longed to go to, things he wanted to do, people that he wanted to meet.

But I guess that’s where I pick up the ball. That just might be the place where I keep going from. I loved his wild heart. Although, I think it came across a bit harsh at times and most people didn’t really understand him, I loved that fire within him. His passion, his unending dreaming, his love. I will forever hold that dear to my heart. I will forever carry that wildness within me. That tenacity and stubbornness to accomplish what needs to get done in order to achieve what I want in life.

Yes at times he drove me crazy but I will forever miss him. It sucks not having him around anymore. Not hearing his crazy singing and not having him bugging me. I hate walking up to the house and not seeing him sitting outside with his book enjoying the night air. I even miss his crazy commentary, not really know what he was talking about but dead certain that he was right whilst watching basketball games.

missing-you-honest-quotes-about-grief-today-and-tomorrow-and-the-day-after

I know that life will never be the same without him here. It sucks knowing that he didn’t get to grow old with my mom, give me away on my wedding day (if that ever happens) or get to see those grandkids that he always wanted. No matter where life may take me, he will forever be in my heart. I don’t understand and there are so many questions that I have. I hate that he had to go in the way that he did but I know that in some way or fashion it will all be okay. It probably wont be today or tomorrow but some day down the road, it will be okay. Of course, I have come to realize that I will forever feel like there is a piece missing without having my dad here on earth anymore, but I know that one day I will see his crazy ass again and it’ll be a glorious time.

comforting-scripture-verses-psalm-73-26

 

For now, this is a season that I must walk through, although if I’m completely honest, it feels as if I am barely able to crawl through some days. I trust and know that in some way life will work out, as it always does. I trust and have peace that although it may not always appear so, God has it all in control. This year so far has been a rough one filled with storm after storm but one day I will feel that sunshine again and be able to wander to my next adventure.

d5c322cf6f83f267f8c76193adecffbc

Advertisements