Tag Archives: trust

Just a month ago…


There has been so much that has happened lately that I have had a hard time trying to write something down but today has been  one month since Dad passed. It’s taken me about a month for things to calm down a bit and sink in.

A little over a month ago I packed up my car, Gatsby and started driving back to Vegas. I left Nashville to be back with the fam. Dad was super ill and I knew that I needed to be back to spend as much time as possible with him as his days appeared to be numbered. Little did we know, his days were to soon come to an end. We got into town very early in the morning on the 23rd, later on that day he went to the hospital and then a little over a week later on the 6th he breathed his last breath.

I made it just in time.

And now it has began to truly hit me. It has been an absolute whirlwind and now that the dust seems to be settling, reality is setting in. My dad is gone. Yes, he is absolutely in a better place without any pain and suffering but I miss him so much. I am my dad’s twin. I look mostly like him and personality wise, I am very much Dan.

He was an incredible man When he was a kid, his parents abandoned him and he had to grow up on the streets. He was a wild child. He was a fighter like none other. He did not know how to give up and did whatever he had to do to get ahead. He had nothing and worked his ass off to come so far. His journey was a difficult one.

And in the midst of it all, he loved us with everything he was. He wanted the absolute best for my mom, my brother and I. He was a man full of dreams and ideas. He busted his ass to get ahead. He could talk your ear off with his stories and make you laugh when you felt like absolute shit. He had no shame. Once he had an idea in his head, there was no stopping him.

His love for his family and those he loved was incredible. He was compassionate and caring. He knew what it was to be hungry, with nothing and lonely therefore he did whatever he could to make sure that those around him would not have to feel that way. Yes, he was rough around the edges, to say it nicely, but he truly had a heart a gold under it all.

He taught me to preserve and never give up. To fight and do whatever needed to be done to accomplish my goals. He taught me how to be wild and free. He showed me how to find solutions to problems and how to enjoy the little things in life. He taught me how to shoot a gun when I was five, when I was a toddler he would take me out body surfing in the waves, he would take me on crazy roller coaster rides before I probably should have, we would sit on a dock and fish for hours, we would wander around the woods just for the heck of it. He would stop on the side of the road to pick me some wild flowers. He showed me how to ride a bike and then later taught me how to drive in a big ass suburban. He encouraged me to pursue the desires of my heart, how to cook without recipes and not let fear stop me in life. He showed me how to love people regardless of their status and to have compassion for all.

He was a crazy, wild man.

He had more hopes and dreams than probably most people. He had so many plans that he did not get to accomplish. There were places that he longed to go to, things he wanted to do, people that he wanted to meet.

But I guess that’s where I pick up the ball. That just might be the place where I keep going from. I loved his wild heart. Although, I think it came across a bit harsh at times and most people didn’t really understand him, I loved that fire within him. His passion, his unending dreaming, his love. I will forever hold that dear to my heart. I will forever carry that wildness within me. That tenacity and stubbornness to accomplish what needs to get done in order to achieve what I want in life.

Yes at times he drove me crazy but I will forever miss him. It sucks not having him around anymore. Not hearing his crazy singing and not having him bugging me. I hate walking up to the house and not seeing him sitting outside with his book enjoying the night air. I even miss his crazy commentary, not really know what he was talking about but dead certain that he was right whilst watching basketball games.


I know that life will never be the same without him here. It sucks knowing that he didn’t get to grow old with my mom, give me away on my wedding day (if that ever happens) or get to see those grandkids that he always wanted. No matter where life may take me, he will forever be in my heart. I don’t understand and there are so many questions that I have. I hate that he had to go in the way that he did but I know that in some way or fashion it will all be okay. It probably wont be today or tomorrow but some day down the road, it will be okay. Of course, I have come to realize that I will forever feel like there is a piece missing without having my dad here on earth anymore, but I know that one day I will see his crazy ass again and it’ll be a glorious time.



For now, this is a season that I must walk through, although if I’m completely honest, it feels as if I am barely able to crawl through some days. I trust and know that in some way life will work out, as it always does. I trust and have peace that although it may not always appear so, God has it all in control. This year so far has been a rough one filled with storm after storm but one day I will feel that sunshine again and be able to wander to my next adventure.



I f*cking hate cancer

(My apologies for the language but I’m just being honest)


 My father has recently been diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. Although this is not his first time battling cancer, this time it’s a bit more serious. This past week he has been at one of the cancer treatment centers of America. Thankfully I had the privilege of going up to spend some time with both of my parents. They live in Las Vegas and I live in Nashville. I have not had the chance to go back to Vegas since April. So now that they were in my time zone I had to go.Upon arriving I met up with them at the treatment center. As he was finishing his day of tests, I got to see the facility and meet some of the employees. I must say though, I am impressed with the center & it’s staff. It appears to me that they actually care for their patients.

As we walked around I saw all kinds of people who are battling this horrible disease. Any and all forms of cancer being treated. It broke my heart and at the same time pissed me off to see all these poor people going through this. Time and time again we encountered precious people that have been misdiagnosed and felt l like their doctors did not care about them.
So many people I know have had relatives or friends that have been affected by cancer in some way or another.
I feel like it just shouldn’t be like this. I am no doctor or medical professional but there has to be a way to end this madness.
It takes a toll on everyone involved.


If you are one walking through this, know that you are not alone. That there are hundreds if not thousands of people who understand what you are going through. If you happen to believe in God (or even if you dont) know that He is still in control. That even though this is absolute crap, He’s still got it. He’s been in control since the beginning of time, so why would He change now? Why would He go back on His good character? I can tell you, that He wont.
Yes all of this frustrates the living hell out of me. I don’t understand, how or why. It’s stressful and at times I do find myself breaking down, but at the end of the day, all I can do is trust Him. He’s been faithful this far. He’s brought me through some of the craziest and darkest times of my life. I’ve lived through more crap in my short life than most people I know. And yet, it all works out. In one way or another. I have come to terms with the fact that there are some things that I have been through that i will never understand. But honestly, its not my place to understand. Its my job to trust.
It is so much easier said than done. There are times that i just want to throw in the towel and tap out. Sometimes, i just want to run away and never return, but…that’s not really an option.
I’ve had a couple of people ask me how it was that I was handling all of this so well. I’ve told them it’s because I’ve been through a lot in life, which to some degree has made me strong, but the real answer is my faith.

That’s all that I have.

This is one of the hardest things to walk through, and all I have are mere words, but as someone who has a loved one going through this, all I can do is say don’t lose hope. Hold on strong. Treasure every moment and know, you are not alone.


One month down…

Isn't she a beaut?!?
Isn’t she a beaut?!?


I’ve survived my first month in Nashville!!!


Time has already flown by so fast. I can’t believe a month ago I drove into Nashville without really a clue as to what would happen or even if this would all work. And now, I sit here, I still don’t know what’s to come but so far it’s all working out in some crazy manner.


The biggest challenge I’ve faced has to be the struggle with wanting to have clarity on what to do with my life. It’s been like a wrestling match, day after day. Wrestling myself to get all my $#!+ together and figure what it is that I am supposed to do in this life.


I have also come to realize how impatient I truly am. I have been wanting to know answers and get the answer right now. I want things to happen and have then happen already. I am so use to continually running that I find it difficult to just sit and be. I see roommates sit and read a book for a while. At first, I kept thinking to myself that it looked like such a waste of time. To just sit there and read. I couldn’t remember the last time I just sat still and read a book.


Today, I work in a few hours and I was planning to go run around doing whatever errands I could think of yet, I just needed to pause. Before I continue to bust my tail to somehow make myself feel as if I am “getting ahead”, I just need to stop.


Yesterday at church, the pastor was speaking of trusting God. He then mentioned this story about Mother Teresa.


“When John Kavanaugh, the notes and famous ethicist, went to Calcutta, he was

seeking Mother Teresa … and more. He went for three months to work at “the 

house of the dying” to find out how best he could spend the rest of his life.   

When he met Mother Teresa, he asked her to pray for him. “What do you want

me to pray for?” she replied. He then uttered the request he had carried 

thousands of mile: “Clarity. Pray that I have clarity.”

“No,” Mother Teresa answered, “I will not do that.” When he asked her why, she

said, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.” When 

Kavanaugh said that she always seemed to have clarity, the very kind of clarity 

he was looking for, Mother Teresa laughed and said: “I have never had clarity; 

what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.” 


I don’t know of you’ve ever experienced what it feels like to have someone verbally slap you in the face, but that was one of those moments.


For so long, I have fought to just get some clarity. To figure out what it is I am supposed to do with my life. To have it all mapped out. It’s like fighting with the wind. Constantly exerting energy without really achieving anything but being left exhausted at the end of the day.


At this point, I just need to learn how to let go of clarity. To release the continual desire to know.


Simply trust.


I mean, look at what Mother Teresa did with her life by simply trusting God.


And so here I am, one month into this new journey learning to just shut up, sit still and be. It’s much more easier said than done and not what I was expecting but this is it.


Overall, though, I must say that I love this city and I am so glad that I chose to move out here. I cannot wait for spring to come so that I can do more stuff outdoors. I do complain about the cold a lot but I do have to be thankful that I now live in a place that actually has all four seasons. I do love me some Nashville!


I’m excited and expectant for whats ahead. I know that it will all work out, like it always does, and it will be quite the adventure to tell.


As of now, I thank you for taking time to read all of this and I do hope that you are enjoying the moment that you are in wherever this crazy life may have you.


Cheers to letting go…